Part of the Re-Envision project, for which I revised Foreign Objects, originally written for the #ScreamPrompts prompt 6, The Conflict Prompt: Man versus Technology



The comments which made the most impression on me suggested that the original story:

(1) was too detailed in its description

(2) was alienatingly British (or else critiquers corrected my British-isms to American-isms, if ya'll get me)

(3) contained no one likeable for the reader to sympathise with; and as such was too pessimistic

(4) had paper-thin characterisation

(5) was readable enough, but not compelling



(1) First I trimmed out excess description. I even cut my favouritest line 'ugly with extra cheese and chips and coleslaw' (but oh look, I just managed to manoeuvre* it into artist's comments). What was left I redistributed to keep the pace steady.

(2) I did not correct British-isms. I had deliberately tried to evoke Britain through language, because I associate Britain with the depressing realism I'd been aiming for (maybe only 'cause it's my own depressing reality). Since I was dissatisfied with the very-British-pub scene as an ending, and knew I had been gratuitous in making it as British as possible, I deleted it altogether, only leaving you Americans/elsewheres to puzzle out the British school stuff. I certainly don't want to to put anyone off completely, and I was careful to leave nothing in that can't be worked out from context (I hope).

_{Perhaps there is also a bit of me that says, if I had to become fluent in the American system to understand American literature/tv/etc, then you can return the favour. And perhaps this isn't a very reader-friendly attitude. Personally, however, I like local language and cultural details in literature, because they allow me access to places I've never been.}

(3) and (4): I already liked Mr** Evers, but now you can too. I wanted to show that he was a likeable loser. I've gone so far that he's not even much of a loser any more. I also followed your advice and inserted more explicit thoughts in the narrative. I hope he has been redeemed.

I introduced George Tesney, and cut those other two, whoever they were. Miss Duchy was more difficult, because Mr Evers himself struggles to turn her into a three-dimensional person. Instead I tried to illustrate this struggle in more detail.

(5) A major change was deleting scenes 2 and 3 and replacing them with the story-within-a-story. This story, in turn, I used to bring about Mr Evers's realisation, and turn the exploding coffee machine into a deliberate act. I hope this is a more satisfying ending than the old, ambiguous, loose-ended one. It also meant relocating the supernatural to the secure land of fiction, and allowing Mr Evers's story to be more securely realistic.



Overall, I like this one better. Do you agree?



Final question: The story in the middle is retold via the narrator. I did it this way because, (a) I didn't want to mask important stuff with artificially awkward prose, and (b) I was feeling lazy. Do you think, supposing I could strike the right balance, I would do better to let George speak for himself?




Thanks to: ~Aladdin-Sane, ~ShadowedAcolyte, *raspil, and ~K47454k1 for reading and critiquing, and *rushingtide for liking it



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*Pls note British-ism.

**'Mr' without the point/period is the conventional abbreviation in Britain and Commonwealth countries.

_{stock pic: [link]}